When you can't see it.

Update

Had my mind off many things of the past and point my compass at mostly the right places. Though even i am standing here facing the sun, it is still a long distance away. There is comfort in being still but the soles of my feet are getting tired. My nervous system tells me its time to start walking.

Dark secrets were revealed, hearts were broken and now  all is forgiven. This holiday, in the midst of filling my time with part time jobs, meetings and meet ups with various groups of friends, i could feel God’s comforting presence and prompting for changes to happen such that healing can take place. Indeed just as my friend told me. The more a person’s heart is in tune with the Lord’s, your perspective and heart changes. These dark shadows from the lies of the world will soon haunt you a lot less. Through God’s strength and love, the pieces starts to fall into place.

Though i am still not talking much to my dad (partly because he is currently in Australia), I no longer blame him for the mistakes he did before, neither do it see the past as a curse. Rather it is pretty much the opposite. Now i understand how much my dad loves us. Throughout his life, though his actions were wrong and didn’t have the ability to, he provided us a comfortable life. I am much much closer to my mom and sisters. My mandarin still suck as ever but we could keep conversations going. I no longer think or is angry with my two closest friends of the past and am happy that God have also brought them to a better place. My habits are also changing, even the ones i thought would be difficult to turn around. The people i hang out with are still the same but only now more sure of my identity in Christ. 

Blessed be His name!

Thursday the 26th

It doesn’t matter anymore if you remain in my mind. Our God is great, sovereign and awesome. He loves unconditionally and has forgiven our sins. You can keep coming back into my mind. But today, i am telling you right now that i’m choosing our dear and almighty God. I’m trusting Him because He loved and saved me and has never forsaken me. He is the only one that is true and real. He will bring me completely out of this delusion one day, the delusion of the things of the world, one day.. finally you will disappear. So it doesn’t matter how you haunt me, even if its everyday of my life. I will fight on with the strength from God’s grace. In the most difficult times, all the more my soul will rest in God’s promises. 

Farewell.

Moving Trains

Recently there is this big problem with me. Whenever a bad situation comes my way, i just sweep it off and say never mind shit happens so let it go. Or when i made a mistake i just tell myself its okay, everyone make mistakes so just get over it. And this continues until it seems as if i am taking myself for granted. The more i make mistakes and then let go of it easily, the deeper i fall into this trap that its okay to keep making mistakes, the opportunities for change after seems almost infinite.

At a badminton game with my parents, i was concentrating on the game, but i kept missing the ball. Which usually does not happen that often. I swear i have witnesses to prove that i am actually not bad at badminton.

Then I noticed how i kept giving in to my mistakes. It feels like i was running on an empty tank. There is no spirit, no passion, no sense of inner strength. I noticed how i kept putting an excuse on the fact that i am young and i am a child so my parents should not be that harsh on me. I was playing/working with the space i am comfortable in and the techniques i already know. 

And then i thought to myself. How the hell did i end up like this. What happen to me a few months ago when i was so much in the spirit of pushing myself up the slope, challenging myself and how much i loved it. The last badminton game was with my mom. With every missed hit, i strategise the way i play, i tried new ways of hitting or holding my racket, i was observing how my mom played and i followed her techniques to counter attack. I was this raging bull in the game, not giving up. 

I need to kick my habits and start the spirit going again and stop being complacent, while not forgetting that i should be doing my best to glorify and enjoy God’s presence. 

Lets play

In one particular episode of my life, there was a guy, a year younger than i am. Charming, Catholic, gentlemanly, thoughtful and a sweet talker, crossed my path. Though he was a great person to be with, he don’t love God enough, isn’t mature enough, isn’t reflective enough and his values are different from mine. Yet, I remembered us talking everyday, with every text coming in and out every few minutes. When either of us have not received a reply after half an hour, we would send another text playfully in demand for a reply. We talked mostly about our everyday lives, the things we do or think about. Sometimes about certain issues or problems. Even though we know that it isn’t possible between us, it continued on for a good 6 weeks. 

Though it seemed like a waste of time and a walking stick to feel that comfort of love from a person. I certainly did not regret choosing to play in this game. The most interesting thing is that this happened during my loneliest time in school. I reckon without God putting him there to talk to me everyday, i would probably break down. Though breaking down might not be entirely a bad thing. I know that my God cares for the welfare of His people. 

Thank God!

Trick to Treat

I love ironies. It just makes life so much smarter and God’s brilliance much in awe. Well though there is no connection to how this post is in reference to the study of God’s word. I always love believing that all these are part of God’s magnificent idea to help us conquer greater heights, from understanding complexity through simplicity. 

Believe

If you think you have this really great idea to create something no one else created before. And then you discussed it with your friends and they tell you it is not possible because it don’t seem practical to use. A bag no longer has its capability of it functioning as a bag for human use. A bag cannot be hard or rigid or it might be uncomfortable for human skin. But when we start to limit the function or practically of the idea of a bag. We limit what a bag is, all in regards to what we already know, see, understand it to be. 

Everyone has big dreams. A handful of dreams possible and the rest of it we assume impossible. But I reckon, every brilliant invention did not come as a coincidence. It came because the inventor chose to believe in the impossible. To create something incredible, he chose to dream and breakaway from the notions of the norm. 

I love watching movies because only in movies you are encouraged to dream and believe in an imaginary world. 

Impoverished and Weak

Anything is possible with God. Recently God revealed a miracle to me. He brought my friend back to Him, of which i thought was quite impossible given the situation she was in. It was really not easy for her. Upon her return to God, she shaved her head as a symbol of starting afresh. 

And i stood thinking how much i’ve doubted God’s power to change things. The hurts from the past seem too complicated and deep. No matter how i try to change things. I can never find real comfort or peace while i’m in it. I learnt that i’m different from ‘church people’. I’m never with them but always just hanging around by myself and that i need to get used to it and live with it. Ever since i started going to church, I never felt like i was part of the congregation. At home, my parents are separated. They live two distinct separate lives now though under the same roof. My dad is probably busy with his mistress everyday and my mom tries very hard to live by distracting herself with many social gatherings, work and classes she signed up for. My family is falling into chaos and it seem almost impossible to make their relationship any better. It is not something anyone can do to make them like each other again. And i thought its something i need to start living with. The problem will always be there. I just need to accept it and live with it. 

Then i read my quiet time material last night. It is about ‘The impoverished ministry of Jesus’. We always tend to limit God by remembering what we allowed Him to do for us in the past. The very thing that we cannot expect God doing for us is the thing we need to start believing He will/can do. We see God as our comforter but we forget He is almighty. I need to start to surrender and making the effort to look to Him instead of myself.